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It's nearly six weeks since dad passed. I've been quiet on the blog and social media. I've been quiet in my heart, too. Trying to find my way back to a normal life, whatever that means now that I’m an ‘orphaned’ baby boomer.
Last month, I experienced my personal brand of March Madness. It wound round my heart with tears and smiles of loved ones now and remembered. It meant heading to the beach to find peace. I am blessed to be lifted up by caring friends, neighbors, and my church family. They tell me grief is a journey unique to every person. It cannot be rushed. I cling to this, telling myself it gets better every day. 
I do fairly well during the day, but sleep often eludes me. Nights can be long and restless. My mind will not shut off, and thoughts pushed aside during the day came back to shout at me.
There is the business of death to attend with closing dad's life. I’m grateful for my three siblings. We divide mundane but necessary legal and financial tasks. Hours on the phone cancelling and updating accounts. A gazillion forms to fill out and file. The wait for lawyers and courts to process all this paperwork. There is the journey of grief. When mama passed six years ago, it felt easier because I wanted to stay strong for dad. Now he's gone, so that barrier has disappeared. Nothing to keep me from falling apart. Ordinary things come out of left field and collide with my heart. Hearing his cheery, Dad here. Calling to see how you’re doing!, on old voice mail messages stops me cold. I am reduced to a puddle when I see empty rows of monthly expenses forever waiting to be entered on the spreadsheet I keep for his 2017 taxes. I can't bring myself to erasing any of these things.
It becomes too much. JM and I escape to Kure Beach, a quiet coastal village two hours from our North Carolina home. There we find the perfect combination of gentling down and keeping active.
Looking to the past: Colonia-era home - Historic Wilmington, NC
Touring nearby Fort Fisher Civil War battlefield and historic homes in Wilmington, NC, remind me of the passage of time and our fleeting existence on this earth. I find comfort knowing those who lived centuries ago left pieces of their life still remembered today.  Old cemetery: Southport, NC
And that cluster of infant graves in the old-timey Southport cemetery!
It tugs at my heart more than a century later. These babies died before they had a chance to live, but their names are not forgotten in this peaceful resting place. I think how lucky I am to be alive on a beautiful spring day.  Spanish Moss: Airlie Gardens
Airlie Gardens brings hope in its sheer beauty and sleepy plants bursting with new life from their winter rest.
The Garden's prize 400-year old oak and acres of tree-lined trails drip with Spanish moss and eye-popping azaleas. They stand majestic and proud. Mother Nature and the Creator at their best.
The North Carolina Aquarium is a place of pure joy.
I smile at stingrays in the touch tank and watch hundreds of exuberant school kids explore, overjoyed to be out of the classroom. During the 20-minute shark tank show, tired chaperones welcome the break and rest their weary feet. "I wish I had their energy," one chaperone tells me with a tired smile.
Best of all, the ocean is my place of rejuvenation and peace. The weather is too chilly to sit on the beach, and the wind wants to blow us off the island. But we take the short stroll from our rental cottage to walk for miles every day on the solitary hard-packed sand. Crashing waves and squawking seabirds drown out the world. 
A quiet refuge: Kure Beach, NC
The sun and salt work their magic.
The fog is lifting. I still have a way to go, but I’m on my way to feeling whole again. Beyond-grateful for your company on this journey. How do you recharge when you're depleted? Do you head to a happy place? Stay quiet inside yourself? Pet a puppy? Hold a baby? Please share your ideas for coping in the comment section. Photos: Cat Michaels, with Panasonic Lumix GX7 and iPhone 6s
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16 Comments
Your beautiful words brought tears to my eyes, Cat. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could wrap you up in a big hug. It does no good to tell you that things do get better. One day though, you will wake up and instead of raw pain the memories of the past will bring a smile to your face and heart. Until then, God bless. I'm always here if you need a friend.
Cat Michaels
4/7/2017 09:01:00 pm
I love the idea of memories that bring smiles my to my face and heart, Kristen! That day s coming. This is a tough journey, and I am grateful for your friendship and virtual hugs. 4/8/2017 12:42:26 am
So beautifully written, Cat, I could feel your pain. Mourning is a journey with no shortcuts. Nature does help the healing process and soothes the soul. We are kindred spirits since the beach is my favorite place to find serenity as well. My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers.
Cat Michaels
4/8/2017 07:54:23 am
Julie, thanks for your wisdom about having no shortcuts on this journey. Glad the beach helps you heal, too.... our happy place. 4/8/2017 12:44:01 pm
I have been a 'baby-boomer orphan' for what seems like a long, long time. Grieving is a journey and process unique to each individual, but take heart in knowing that memories that may now bring sadness and tears, in time bring feelings of warmth and smiles. Hugs and wishing all the best peace and comfort for you and your family moving forward. Hi Cat, Many of us have been where you are now, so we know words are never enough to help you through a journey that only you can take in your own time. Small steps, each day, deep breaths and big hugs, lots of hugs. I'm glad you can still find joy in the small things in life, a child's laugh, the fresh sea air, walks on the beach. It all helps. I take my walks as you know in the country to get in touch with mother nature, if I lived closer to the beach I would be there too. Take care my friend and know we are all here with you. xx
Debra D
4/10/2017 09:01:57 am
Sending you love and prayers. I can identify with your need to feel strong for the remaining parent, and I can image losing my remaining parent will be very hard. Losing my Dad was so hard, and the moments of grief still pop up. I think there is a special link between Dads and their girls. Let yourself have all the time you need. It will get better, but everyone has his/her own timing.
Cat Michaels
4/10/2017 03:48:03 pm
Looking forward to the warmth and smiles, James. This is much harder for my heart than my head told me to expect. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Cat Michaels
4/10/2017 03:50:50 pm
Sandra, your country walks sound perfect. I'm glad you found a way to find peace! I will remember your advice to take small steps.
Cat Michaels
4/10/2017 03:54:36 pm
Debra, I appreciate your kind words. Losing both parents feels like tipping the scales. I am glad your mom is still with you. 4/12/2017 06:38:16 pm
Oh Cat, how I wish I could offer a word or gesture of comfort to help you along your healing journey. We grieve in so many different ways, but it feels like there are no easy ones to make it hurt less. Thinking about you and the lovely words you wrote here today...hoping tomorrow will be that much more comforting for you. Breathe. 4/15/2017 04:34:58 pm
Tracey, it's quite the journey. You kind words lift me up and help more than you know. Many thanks! 4/19/2017 05:40:01 pm
Cat, your church friends are absolutely right: grief is a unique journey and no one can tell you particularly what yours will be like. I lost my first husband at 27 and learned that death is a part of life and that grief has life of it's own. Mourning is a tribute to how much you loved the one who died. I think losing a second parent is harder; there is a sense of being an orphan and being the leader of the next generation. My sympathies, Carol 4/23/2017 02:34:56 pm
Cat,
Cat Michaels
5/1/2017 08:18:41 pm
Carol, i appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. You nailed my feelings as an adult orphan. Many thanks for understanding.
Cat Michaels
5/1/2017 08:21:20 pm
Andy, I appreciate your support and kind words. Driving around on a fine spring day, tunes or audiobook at the ready, sounds perfect. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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 Cat MichaelsBlogging about books, writing, family life, travel and more good stuff. Meet Cat
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